Dear Friend,

Death will always be profound, I hope you know that – no matter how much we prepare ourselves to it, it will still hurt – like that big chunk of love and happiness that you have been building through the years suddenly gets pulled out of your chest and nothing is left but emptiness and pain and nothingness… it’s like missing someone so bad but you just know there will never be a chance of you ever seeing them again or touching them again… It’s a big ball of pain that engulfs you and it gets smaller and and tighter you can’t breathe… So please don’t come to me crying and make me comfort you – I need comforting too – I need comforting more than ever now – I just lost my mama…

Please let me cope – the best way I know how… don’t tell me that mama’s an angel now – i don’t need someone I can’t see and can’t have coffee with – I want my mama here – with me… no matter how selfish – there are still travels we need to take… don’t make me believe that she’s still with us – she’s not! Her presence in my life is something that’s mine – it’s something that will always be here – in me – a beautiful memory that has taken a life of it’s own I could feel it and talk to it and bring it wherever I go – don’t make it sound like she’s roaming around walking the earth like a ghost – my mama’s no ghost.

Please don’t ask me if I’m ok… of course I’m not – don’t even ask me how I am – of course I’m hurting… My heart breaks too many times in a day – this big deep hole of ache happened and it does not need fixing – I’m just breathing and walking and living my life around it until God knows when – that’s all I can do now – I’m just praying that time will be kind to me and move a bit faster till I’m less miserable – till I could be truly happy again…

Don’t tell me it’s OK not to be OK – It’s never ok! I just want this pain to consume me – until I can’t hurt any more… because I feel like this pain is here to stay… I give myself a good cry once in a while – but where it starts or where it ends or how to console it is something I can’t understand – it’s a just a vicious cycle of sorrow and sadness and emptiness… it’s never OK to not be OK…

Don’t judge me if I can’t cry – I won’t even pretend that I cry when someone’s not looking or behind closed doors- fuck! I can’t cry! that’s how empty it is – this nothingness is killing me… I cry big a little at a time – for reasons I can’t explain… like sadness bursting out and I contain it before it becomes a full blown wail- and it hurts… so much – it will make you stay in bed for hours and hours just being in nothing…

Please allow me to grieve… allow me to cry… don’t ask what happened and make me remember that moment I lost her- it will be like walking through the same nightmare over and over – those memories are meant to be shared I know – but not now… maybe when I’m ready – when it’s time – I don’t want to sound like I’m glorifying death – nothing about it is comforting. I don’t want reasons to thank death – so don’t tell me that mama’s in a better place now- free of pain and suffering… Life will always be good. Life will always be better than death.

Please know too that I’m here… don’t reduce me to the girl who just lost her mama…

I’m still here…

Broken, but here.

 

 

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